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Writer's pictureEmily Pattullo

Validation Agents, Gatekeepers of Worth, and Why I Have Taken Matters into My Own Hands


I had my first novel published ten years ago and have only just released my second – Why the long wait? I hear you cry. I have two words for you: self worth.


I have always had the burning desire to write (poems, songs, stories), it has been the one constant in my whole forty-plus years, to the point where I have no choice but to do it; and deal with all that that brings with it. Because if I want someone to read my words I have to release them out into the world, and that’s where the fear lies. I know I’m not alone in this, many of us are out there with a burning desire to create and yet harbour a paralysing fear of judgement.


My first novel, Ring Around Rosie, which is a thriller for YA about child trafficking and prostitution, took on a life of its own to the point I had no choice but to write it. I stumbled on the topic by accident having originally thought I wanted to write about pirates and smuggling, but after researching smuggling, so human trafficking appeared and I was so horrified by what I learned that I couldn’t ignore what I was discovering. Thirteen years ago, it was still relatively unknown; now, thankfully there is more awareness. Not that awareness stops it being the second largest money-making business in the world after drugs – more so even than weapons!


By the time I came ready to release it, the need to get it out into the world to help create awareness of  child trafficking became greater than my fear of criticism and judgement. I had to get out of my own way at this point. But I had no idea what I was doing, how to go about publishing a book, or even what the process involved. My need for external validation drove me to go down the traditional publishing route, after all, to be ‘chosen’ by someone in the industry, to be considered as ‘worthy’ to have my book published, seemed like the most credible thing to do and what everyone else seemed to be doing. It’s worth mentioning here that I usually do the opposite to everyone else, having rebelled against most conformity my whole life – on the few occasions I have gone with the crowd, I find it’s rarely the way to go because it’s not being true to myself, only playing by rules I had nothing to do with making.


And so after months of judgement, criticism and rejection, with smatterings of hope in between – just enough to keep me locked into the machine; too fragile and battle-scarred to think I had any of my own credibility or self-worth – I went with a very small publishing company that mostly left me to my own devices. The upshot being that my book didn’t receive the coverage I had hoped, despite some rave reviews. I wasn’t suitably savvy (nor confident enough in my ability by that point) to promote it myself to a wider audience.


What followed was a flurry of writing which culminated in various other books for different age groups, all of which I tried and failed to find a publisher for (I did have an agent for a while but she failed too), and so they have lain dormant in the virtual drawer…


Until now!




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